Unresolved grief

It is very important for all who have suffered a loss to grieve, adolescents included. The failure to do so can have a huge negative impact ona person's physical and emotional health and / or their capacity to form healthy and lasting relationships.



The majority of adolescents succeed in dealing with grief.
Some don't though and need extra help.

Where can I get this help?

One option is counselling. Barnardos for example offer short-term and long-term therapy. Mater Dei also runs a teen counselling service. Another possibility is to visit a private counsellor. The Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (IACP) have a website where you can search for counsellors by area.
For more information see http://www.iacp.ie/.
Remember to make sure that a counsellor you visit is registered with IACP or a similiar body.

If you think an adolescent is depressed and at risk of self-harm or injury then don't wait. Bring them immediately to your local GP or to the A&E Department of the nearest hospital.

More information and help

There is plenty of information on grief available, especially grief arising from a death.

Further down on the right-hand side of this blog there are different suggestions on books which may help.

The article by Mary Hynes on Rainbows gives a very good overview of the organisation and the programmes it offers. This article can be downloaded from the Barnardos website; it is available in the free publications section.
Barnardos and The Irish Hospice Foundation have written several excellent leaflets on the subject of grief which can downloaded off their websites.
http://www.compassionbooks.com/ has loads of other suggestions for reading material.

Other sources of help are:
Telephone lines - for example parentline or teenline.

Websites - SpunOut have an excellent section on bereavement, although the website may be more suitable for older adolescents. Teenbetween has a great facility on its website where adolescents can express their emotions and then "dump" them. This can be an excellent way for them to get things off their chest if they don't wish to verbalise them.
http://www.kidshealth.org/ is another useful website with sections for both parents and teenagers on a whole range of themes, including grief.

Celebrate Me Day

This is an important part of the Rainbows programme and it takes place at the end of the 12 weeks.

Participants from the different groups in the school get the opportunity to come together which is great for building up trust and cooperation between them.

The day includes:

• ice-breaker activities with all the students
• four sessions in the small groups with the Facilitator
• a session on the theme of forgiveness
• a closing celebration to mark the end of the programme.

The session on forgiveness is an important one. Participants are helped to see that although forgiveness isn't an easy step, it is a process and a necessary step for healing to occur.

The adults involved with the programme along with the students usually partake in a fun activity in the second half of the day eg. bowling.

Who are the people involved in a Rainbows programme?

There are three categories; the Coordinator, the Facilitators and the Participants (the students).

The Coordinator is the overall person in the school responsible for the programmes.

Their duties are the following:

• spreading word about the programme to students and parents
• assigning the students who express interest in doing the programme to a group with a Facilitator
• organising and looking after the materials which will be used in the groups
• arranging for those who wish to be Facilitators to attend training
• holding formation meetings with the Facilitators before they meet with the Participants
• liaising with the local representative of Rainbows.

The Facilitator is the person runs the weekly meeting with the students.

They must:

• attend Facilitator trainig
• participate in weekly formation meetings with the Coordinator prior to meeting with the students
• assist the Coordinator in planning and carrying out the 'Celebrate Me Day' which is held at the end of the 12 weeks.
• keep the students' confidentiality

Teachers, parents and other members of the local community can be Facilitators as long as they complete the required training. It's important to remember that the Facilitator is not there to solve the students' problems; rather they listen in a non-judgemental and caring way to each student's story.

"Deep listening is both miraculous for both speaker and listener. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand."

Sue Patton Thoele

Some frequently asked questions about Rainbows

What is Rainbows?

Rainbows is a non-profit international organisation that offers training programmes and curricula for establishing grief peer support groups for children and adults.

When did Rainbows begin?

Rainbows was founded in 1983 in Chicago by Suzy Yehl Marta after she realised there was a lack of services to help her children cope with the effects of her marital separation. Today Rainbows is in over 16 countries. Rainbows started in Ireland in 1988. Over two and a half million people have participated in Rainbows programmes since it began.

What programmes does Rainbows offer?

A variety of programmes are offered.

1. Rainbows for children 5-12
2. Spectrum for young adults 13-18
3. Kaleidosocope for adults over 18
4. Prism - material for parents who are grieving

What is involved in a Rainbows programme?

• It's not therapy or counselling
• Doesn't involve treatment of mental illness or behavioural problems
• Doesn't involve 1-1 intensive work

Rather:

• It is a peer-support group
• Groups are small with 5 or 8 participants maximum depending on the level
• It deals with the normal feelings of grief after a traumatic loss or separation
• A curriculum is used

What is the goal of a Rainbows programme?

The Rainbows motto is "from hurt, through healing, to hope."

The programme tries to do this by:

• supporting people to rebuild their self-esteem
• enabling the participants to name, understand and deal with the feelings they experience
• encouraging the participants to take the step of forgiving those who have caused them pain
• giving participants the space to share and listen to similar experiences of others in the group

How long does the programme run for?

Meetings take place once a week for twelve weeks. Each meeting lasts for approximately 50 or 60 minutes depending on the level. At the end of the twelve weeks there is a special day called the 'Celebrate Me Day.'

What happens at each meeting?

There are four parts:

1. Focus on a theme eg. anger, guilt
2. Activities around the theme eg. playing games, writing a journal
3. Discussion around the theme
4. A short reflection to finish

What do Rainbows do?

Watch the video for some more information. Look out for the Irish people!

What can I do to help an adolescent who is grieving?

Follow the ABCDE guide.

A - Avoid overburdening them with responsibility but include them in the changes taking place.
B - Be there for them, even if they try and brush you off. The car can be a good place to have a "spontaneous chat."
C - Contact. The school and let them know. They have structures to help. Contact other services if you're worried they don't seem to resolve their grief.
D - Don't offer advice. On how they should grieve. Don't get offended at their behaviour to you. Don't assume they are over the loss.
E - Encourage. Them to express their thoughts,feelings, memories of the person gone. Encourage them to create their own way of saying goodbye if they wish eg. by writing a letter, composing a song/poem.

Rainbows offers a programme called Spectrum at post-primary level to help adolescents in their grieving.